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I remember that I didn't dare
Didn't dare to say
Didn't dare to love
Didn't dare to feel
It's wrong--I knew it was wrong
At least I thought I knew
Anyway, years passed
I came to my senses
Or, my senses came to me
They were alive and steaming
I wanted to love
A woman
And be loved by
A woman.
Now I feel as a full person
I have a lover
A beautiful woman
Yet we have problems
Everyone assumes that these problems are
Because we're gay
And they're right!
But the difficulties emanate from externals
We could be completely happy
If we were allowed to be
Be ourselves
Be in love
Be together
Without lies and deception
Stories and dissembling
False introductions
And outlandish maneuvers.
Mother, Jan is my lover
It would be nice not to say
Jan is my friend.
It's the truth, but not enough truth
There is more
So much more to be said
Shouted!
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Yet it can't happen now
Or maybe it could
But after it was said
What would be?
Now there's only tension
To which they are oblivious.
Who am I protecting?
I know I'm hurting myself
Why do I continue
Because it would be another problem?
Fuck the problems
They exist outside of me
I can be free
Free of shame
Free of doubt
Free to be just me.
Deborah J. Glick
line drawing in bottom half of page